The different types of abuse
It’s a common myth that domestic abuse only involves physical violence, but in reality, it takes many forms. Many of these involve psychological and emotional manipulation, which can be much harder to recognise than physical abuse.
In this article we will explore how you can recognise the signs of different types of abuse. We will cover:
Coercive control
Stalking
Financial abuse
Gaslighting
Honour-based abuse
Post-separation abuse
You can use this list to jump to the section on each type of abuse.
If any of these feel familiar, remember you aren’t alone; contact Gilgal today.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours intended to humiliate, intimidate, and ultimately control a victim.
The controlling behaviour often builds up slowly over time, and can be quite difficult to recognise at first. Below are some of the ways someone could attempt to control or intimidate you:
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Controlling what you eat, wear, or how you present yourself, such as hairstyles, makeup, or tattoos.
- Monitoring your movements — in person, online, or through devices
- Restricting your access to money, stopping you from working, or withholding financial support
- Using blackmail, threats, or intimidation to force or prevent certain actions
- Repeatedly insulting, belittling, or undermining your confidence
Ultimately, coercive control is about one person exerting power over another, often making them feel afraid to say no or act independently. Coercive control is often just one part of the abuse, and may be combined with another type of abuse. This is not an exhaustive list. Not all the items on the list may feel familiar, but if you feel something isn’t right in your relationship, you could still be experiencing abuse.
Stalking is defined as a pattern of repeated, unwanted attention that can cause fear or distress. It may come from someone you know, such as an ex-partner or estranged relative, or from a stranger.
Every stalking situation is different, and it can happen in person or online. It might involve repeated calls, texts, or social media messages that are unwanted, threatening, or inappropriate. It can also include physically following you, sending unsolicited gifts, showing up at your home or workplace, or contacting people you know to gather information about you and your life.
Stalking can be deeply distressing, not only for the person targeted but also for their friends and family. It is a crime and should be reported to the police.
Black Country Women’s Aid offers support for stalking, whether you’re unsure if what you’re experiencing is stalking, or if you just need someone to talk to.
Financial abuse is when someone uses money as a means to control you. This can occur in relationships with spouses, partners, family members, caregivers, or even strangers. Often, it is a key part of a broader pattern of controlling and abusive behaviour. It commonly occurs or escalates when the perpetrator grows suspicious that their victim is attempting to leave, and so attempts to trap them financially.
In many cases, the victim may recognise the financial control they’re under. The perpetrator might prohibit them from working, embezzle their money, force them to hand over assets (such as transferring property deeds), accumulate debt in their name, or provide them with only limited money, often in the form of a small “allowance.” However, financial abuse can also be more subtle. It may appear as a gradual transfer of assets over time or an act of “help” such as comments like, “You’re so terrible with money, let me look after it for you”. This type of manipulation can be difficult to identify, as the victim may believe these actions come from a place of care, trust, and affection, not recognising them as an abusive tactic.
Even after escaping the situation of control, survivors of financial abuse can face long-term consequences. These can include overwhelming debt, damaged credit scores, and an inconsistent employment history, which can make rebuilding their lives even more challenging. Organisations such as our sister charity, Jericho, work to support those who are facing difficulties in finding a job. Their family of social enterprises supports and facilitates employment training and new job opportunities.
Gaslighting is a complicated form of emotional abuse where manipulation is used to control and undermine a person’s sense of reality. This behaviour can make them question their memories, thoughts, feelings, and even their sanity.
Gaslighting can happen in any relationship, with a partner, family member, friend, or even a colleague.
Signs of gaslighting include:
- Denying facts: The abuser may lie about or deny something you know to be true, even when you have evidence to support your memory.
- Spreading lies: They may spread false rumours or gossip about you, or tell you misleading things others supposedly say about you.
- Manipulating memories: The abuser may twist or distort past events to make themselves appear blameless or in a better light.
- Minimising your feelings: They may tell you that you’re “too sensitive” or that they were “just joking,” making light of your hurt.
- Blaming you for everything: They might make you feel responsible for their actions: “Yes, I slept with someone else, but it’s because she showed me attention, and you never do.”
- Denying your reality: The abuser may insist that something you clearly remember never happened, or that you’re remembering it incorrectly.
- Avoiding confrontation: When you try to address their behaviour, they may refuse to talk or tell you that you’re imagining things.
- Isolating you: They may try to prevent you from seeing friends and family who could support your version of events.
Over time, gaslighting can have a profound effect on someone’s mental health. Victims may begin to doubt their perceptions and question their reality, leading to feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and a loss of trust in themselves. These feelings can continue long after the relationship ends and have ongoing negative impacts. That’s why it’s important to seek support from charities like Gilgal, who can help you access counselling and therapy.
Honour-based abuse occurs when family members or communities impose their beliefs upon an individual and punish them for actions that go against those beliefs. This type of abuse is not necessarily tied to a specific cultural, racial, or religious background; rather, it is based on an “honour code” – a set of expectations that a group or community enforces.
Certain actions, or even perceived intentions, that may be viewed as dishonourable can include:
- Choosing a partner: Marrying someone considered inappropriate, often due to differences in sexual orientation, race, religion, or background.
- Sexual and reproductive choices: Having sex or having children outside of marriage.
- Substance use: Alcohol, drugs, or even prescribed medications.
- Appearance: Wearing clothing that is considered inappropriate or refusing to conform to expectations, such as wearing a headscarf or other religious or cultural attire.
- Education: Seeking higher education or career opportunities that are deemed dishonourable.
- Religious beliefs: Disagreeing with or leaving the religious community.
These actions do not necessarily need to take place; even the mere thought, discussion, or steps toward such actions can trigger abuse.
The punishments for these perceived transgressions can vary, and they may include:
- Forced marriage: Being coerced into marriage against your will.
- Physical threats: Threats of harm to you or loved ones.
- Physical restraint: Being confined to your home or restricted in your movements.
- Isolation: Limiting your access to the outside world, including restricting your phone, internet, or TV access.
- Other forms of abuse include coercive control, financial abuse, physical violence, and sexual abuse.
In extreme cases, the abuse may escalate to practices such as female genital mutilation, murder, or forced suicide. These acts are all illegal in the UK. If you are experiencing any of these or suspect someone else may be in danger, please call the police.
Domestic abuse doesn’t always stop when a relationship ends. Post-separation abuse occurs when the perpetrator continues to manipulate, control, and harass the victim, even after the relationship has ended. This type of abuse is especially common when children are involved, as the abuser may use shared parenting responsibilities or legal processes as a means of maintaining control.
Post-separation abuses can be particularly draining on a survivor. After gathering the strength to leave an abusive situation, they find themselves continuing to face manipulation, controlling behaviours, and isolation tactics that prevent them from moving on.
Signs of post-separation abuse may include:
- Stalking: The abuser may follow you or harass friends and family to gather information about your whereabouts and activities.
- Financial control: The abuser may continue to control your finances, make it difficult for you to access money, refuse to pay child support, or even accumulate debt in your name.
- Unnecessary legal actions: They may file baseless legal claims or drag out court proceedings to maintain contact and control.
- Manipulating shared children: The abuser might lie to the children and say that they are the good parent, whilst spreading false rumours about you, or even threaten harm to the children as a way to manipulate you.
Post-separation abuse is still abuse, and it can have lasting effects on your wellbeing. If you feel that your ex-partner still has a stronghold over your life, it’s important to reach out for support.
Abuse can look different in every relationship. For some, it may involve physical violence, threats, or extreme control, including complete isolation from friends, family, and society. For others, it may be more subtle, like being ignored or given the cold shoulder when you do something they don’t like, or constant belittling and criticism that undermines your self-worth.
There is no such thing as abuse being “not bad enough” to seek help. If something feels off in your relationship, it’s important to trust your instincts. You deserve to feel safe and valued. If you need support, call us today.
